Raising a Son as a Single Mom

It is not easy to raise a son as a single mom. But you may have no choice but to do it – I mean, if you are a single woman, and you gave birth to a boy child, you have to raise him somehow, don’t you?

I think the most important thing, when it comes to raising a son as a single mom is to understand that he is a boy, not a girl. So the way you raise him would have to be quite different from the way you would raise a girl. And it would have to be quite different from the way you (as a girl) were raised. This is very important for you to realize right from the outset, because we often see single mothers trying to raise their sons exactly how they would raise girls/exactly how they themselves were raised, often with disastrous results. For instance, whereas it makes sense to keep a girl child indoors most of the time (and the girls are quite comfortable staying indoors most of the time anyway), with a boy, you would need to allow for more time outdoors -- ideally with other boy peers.

You need to appreciate that because of the testosterone in him, he will tend to be a little rough. You need to understand what is tolerable (and desirable) in a man/boy/son, when it comes to roughness and ruggedness and then put up with it. You also need to know what is not tolerable/desirable in a man/boy/son, when it comes to roughness and ruggedness, and ensure that he doesn’t cross that line.

It is important for you, as a single mom raising a son, to ensure that you don’t transfer whatever issues you have with his father to him. Thus, for instance, if the boy’s father made you angry/disappointed you/betrayed you – leading to the separation/divorce or whatever – it is important for you to ensure that you don’t transfer those issues to your son.

You have to be patient, while trying to raise a son as a single mother. You need to adopt a system where you regularly have dialogs with him and explain for him to understand why he should do certain things and why he shouldn’t do certain other things. This should start as soon as he is able to comprehend stuff. And if he does something wrong (right from when he is young), your first instinct should be to explain to him and get him to understand why what he did is wrong and why he shouldn’t repeat it. That is better than shouting at him, punishing him right away, humiliating him… and so on.

As a mother/parent, you have some power over your son. Don’t abuse it. Especially, resist the temptation to abuse the power you have over him when he is young and unable to stand up for himself. But be firm on discipline and make sure he understands the expectations that apply to him and acts on them.

It is important for you to have a clear vision of the type of man you want to raise your son to be, and then ensure that you try to attain that vision. So you think of some positive men you have interacted with, and try to figure out what you need to do for your son to turn like them.

Appreciate that a man needs to be somewhat strong to survive and pass his genes to the next generation. You therefore need to figure out some positive strategies for raising your son to be a strong man, but not a bully.

If possible, you need to find some male father figures for your son to be around, in order for him to learn from them (by way of observation) what is expected of a man. Even if it means having him spend some time at your brothers’ (his uncles’) places, your cousins or your [positive] male friends’ places. Some aspects of masculinity can only be learned through observation, hence the need for this.